Beauty in Brokenness, from http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1193158

you might just skip my first paragraph of rambling…

It has just been one of those weeks where I wonder if it can get any worse and then it does. Today in my hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan a man went on a shooting people killing 7 people (2 children, 5 adults) and injuring two more before taking his own life.  I am thankful for technology that allowed me to stay informed on the situation from over 1,100 miles away. I’m wide awake after following the news all night and there’s nothing I can do to take my mind off it but write about something else.  So here I am, writing on my neglected blog.  I seriously need to do this more often, its a very good thing for me on so many levels.

Today a very gracious friend of mine called me out on a lot of crap (fill in with the appropriate word that some of you know I’m thinking instead of crap…sorry mom just being honest) in my life and in how I interact with others.  Its something that has not gone unnoticed by me, but its something I needed to hear from someone else.  This person was very kind and caring about how they talked to me about the subject and for that I am very grateful.  I am thankful that there are people in my life that care so much about who I am and how I’m doing that that’ll call me out when I need it. I’ve spent a lot of time building walls of hurt around me in the past few years and I have let it effect (affect?!? I cannot ever get affect and effect straight… you’d think with a MA in Counseling that I would be able to…that’s another story though) how I relate to those around me.  I have passed my hurt on by hurting others in my actions, my words, and my general demeanor of late and that is not okay. I am damaging the lives of so many people and that needs to change.

One of the Founding Father’s of our great nation, Thomas Paine is quoted as saying that “Character is much easier kept than recovered.”  Ouch.  I’ve got a long road ahead of me then.  “It’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.” (-Source Unknown) This is where I wrestle and clearly fall all the time… I cannot ever seem to get it right and it is my prayer that God would grant me peace to move on from the past, that God would grant me patience when people get under my skin, and that he would grant me wisdom to say the right things graciously to all people.

Stealing from @drumdog00 ’s twitter feed: Sometimes people annoy me & it’s hard to show the love of Jesus in my thoughts & words toward them. Jesus please forgive me!

To those I have hurt, I am sorry. I have let my brokenness and sinfulness rule in place of Christ’s love and grace.  Please forgive me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please revive this broken heart of mine. My heart cries out for you and yet I don’t turn to you as I should. For that, please forgive me. Please teach me to rely wholly on You. Show me how to live in the light of the overwhelming peace that only You can give. Give me a heart that pours out Your love to those I interact with. Bring me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Forgive me for those I have hurt and offended. Show me how to respond with grace and not harshness. Show me Your love and show me how to share it always with others. Help me to see the world through Your eyes.

In Your Merciful Name I pray,

Amen.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
—Lamentations 3:22-24

Proverbs 24.17-18 “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,  lest the LORD see it and be displeased,  and turn away his anger from him.”

Ezekiel 33:11 “Say to them, As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked…”

God does not celebrate the loss of a soul, no matter how evil that soul was.

I’m wrestling with the response to this I’ve seen.

Thoughts?

His Eye is on the Sparrow
Image from www.sxc.hu

In Matthew 6:25-34 it is written:

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies o the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” –Matthew 6:25-34

I am the chief of worriers.  Once I hear of someone, something that I deem even marginally “worth” worrying about, I immediately begin to start worrying and find myself unable to let it go.  It’s probably what I would define as my worst trait.  I often worry so much that I forget to act and resolve the issue, thereby making the situation worse and generating more worry!  It’s a vicious cycle in my life.  Right now I find myself worrying about the future, about bills, about providing for myself, along with a million other things.  There are many changes going on around me in the lives of dear friends and it’s got me dwelling on me instead of focusing on the Kingdom.

This is where I go tragically wrong every day throughout the day.  When I begin to worry, I fall face first into it and get sucked into the ugliness of worry.  My response instead should be, to seek FIRST the kingdom.  It is so against my nature to rely on anyone other than myself.  Why do I hold so much value in myself, when I’m a child of the Creator? When I turn to myself instead of turning to Christ my Savior and Redeemer, I make my troubles far worse than they are.

“If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.” –Don Herold

While many of my troubles are not imaginary, I know they are blown out of proportion.  My worry tends to generate an extreme exaggeration of circumstances.   Learning to seek first the Kingdom and the King, will ease my exaggerated troubles and give me a strength that only God can grant to get through the difficulties.

So here I am learning slowly to Seek First the Kingdom.  I’m stumbling more then walking down the road, but I hope that it is truly my hearts prayer to seek God and be completely willing to be molded by the Maker.

I think at least for me, when I realize that I’m in a valley, my natural bent is to flee, to try and escape as quickly as possible.  That may not be what God longs for us though.  I think there are times when God calls us to the valley and we may be there for a while.  The valley is a learning ground where God would teach us and mold us more in His image, if we are willing.

I’ve been feeling for a while now, that God has me in a valley.  There’s a lot of doubt and uncertainty in my life right now. Many things are changing around me.  It has been made clear to me in recent days, that the valley will not be ending soon.  There are many things God is telling me to wait and wait patiently for His timing and His provision.  This has not been an easy discovery for me.  I’ve been scratching and clawing and trying to find my way out of the valley, instead of turning to Him.  Instead of trusting that God has a plan.

God has called me to the valley I’m in for a reason.  It is not mine to understand why He has brought me here or when it will come to an end.  It is my responsibility however, to trust in God’s grace and trust in His timing.  God is clearly trying to teach me a patience I’ve never known before when it comes to His timing.  This is not easy.  I’m still fighting it.

There’s an episode of 30 Rock called “Into the Crevasse”.  There’s a scene in this episode where Jack tells Liz Lemon a story of when he was mountain climbing.  Here’s what Jack had to say:

“Lemon, let me tell you a little story.
It was 1994, and I was ice climbing when I fell into a crevasse and hurt my leg.
There was only one way out,
so fighting every natural instinct I have,
I did the thing I hated the most.
I climbed down into the darkness…”

It is the unnatural response to climb into the valley, to embrace the darkness (the unknown) but sometimes that is what we are called to as God’s children.  It is His plan, not ours.  Its His perfect plan for my life.  I must embrace it even when I don’t understand it.

Max Lucado wrote in his book “Traveling Light” (Side bar… if you have not read Traveling Light, I highly suggest that you do. Its Lucado’s break down of Psalm 23.  Its great) he writes “God is a good God.  We must begin here.  Though we don’t understand his actions, we can trust his heart…God will lead you through, not around, the valley…”

As God leads me through this valley and many more, I pray that I will learn to embrace every moment of the journey He has me on.

Listen to this song If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens I pray that this is my hearts response to everything God has for me.

I was recently looking around online for some new music.  I was listening to Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars and the genius bar that takes up half of the itunes screen (okay slight exaggeration…) suggested Peter Bradley Adams.  So I went and did some searching and found a few tracks for free on Amazon.  (isn’t free stuff the best!)  I stumbled upon his song “The Longer I Run”.  I listened to this song over and over again.  It finally hit me hours later why it resonated so much with me.   Here’s some of the lyrics:

“Well this road I’m on is gonna turn to sand,
And leave me lost in a far off land.
So let me ride the wind till I don’t look back,
And forget the life that I almost had.

If I wander till I die
May I know whose hand I’m in.
If my home I’ll never find
And let me live again.

The longer I run
Then the less that I find,
Selling my soul for a nickel and dime,
Breakin my heart to keep
Singing these rhymes, losing again. “

Here’s what gripped me “the longer I run then the less that I find…” This is such a powerful statement of my wretched relationship with my Savior.  I feel that I’m constantly running in the wrong direction. Away from His overwhelming grace.  Not trusting in His perfect peace.  The longer I run… the LESS I find.  I’m running in the wrong direction and time and time again it proves that as long as I’m running away and not into my Savior’s loving arms, the less I’ll find in life.

There is nothing as satisfying and fulfilling as a deep relationship with my Savior and yet I am always running from him.

This song was fresh on my mind when I was chatting on Facebook with Julia.  We were discussing life and journeying with God when a CS Lewis quote that I have clung to for years came to mind.

“This is my endlessly recurrent temptation:
To go down to that Sea
I think St. John of the Cross called God a sea
And there neither dive nor swim nor float,
But only dabble and splash,
Careful not to get out of my depth
And holding on to the lifeline
Which connects me with my things temporal.”
–C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

What strikes me about this quote is the powerful imagery.  It brings to mind a child visiting a seashore or lake shore for the first time in their life.  They don’t quite know what to think of this giant body of water that is before them.

A child who is flourishing and thriving might be seen running straight for the water and diving into the depths of it.  No fear, no hesitation, holding nothing back, giving it all to the sea.

A child who has suffered hurts, a child who is struggling to grow and learn, may be afraid of the water before them. They may not trust that their parent is there to rescue them if danger comes.  They may slowly wander down to the shore and just dip a toe in, maybe once they’ve determined that its safe they may wade a little deeper, but they will never step out of their perceived safety zone.

How true is this of my relationship with God and I suspect others are the same too.  I know God is good, I know God is merciful and that perfect peace only comes from Him, but yet my faith and my trust is weak.  I never dive in fully to the depths of His riches and mercy.  I hold back, I cling desperately to hold onto something in the physical world, that I know can provide no true comfort.

Jude 1:20-21(ESV) states “But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.”

It is my prayer that I would learn how to dive without reservation into the riches of God’s grace and mercy for his children.  That I would learn to trust Him in everything.